Monday, April 16: CBS News reported that a new poll says 21% of Americans would give up sex for a year to keep Internet access. For many Americans (mostly men) those two things aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive. Hey, relax.. Japan came in at 56%… (Or didn’t, as the case may be).
Tuesday, April 17: Newt Gingrich was bitten by a penguin at the St. Louis Zoo. Must have been protecting his little ones from what probably looked to him like a giant seal.
Wednesday, April 18: An appearance of a hologram of Tupac Shakur amazed and/or freaked out the crowd at the Coachella Music Festival this past weekend…although the effect was quickly ruined when it began exchanging gunfire with a hologram of Biggie Smalls. No one was hurt but it’s a good bet that most of the 100K kids attending crapped their lowrider jeans.
Thursday, April 19: Looking to one-up Arizona’s newest abortion law that says life begins at the start of a woman’s last period, rather than at fertilization, Oklahoma announced today a new law that states that conception begins after the 2nd Cosmopolitan or the 3rd Pinot Grigio.
Friday, April 20: John Edwards, once ridiculed for getting $400 haircuts in his pre-scandal days, has been seen going to Supercuts for the $12.95 special. Well, he’s had to find ways to cut costs on all his luxuries. Word is he just put in an application for the Secret Service.
(Larry Dorfman is the author of “The Snark Handbook” series. Follow him on Twitter @SnarkHandBook and on Facebook here. For more comedy news and exclusive interviews visit our AmericasComedy.com Facebook fan page and follow us on Twitter @AmericasComedy!)
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About the Author: Lawrence Dorfman is the bestselling author (Yeah, right) of The Snark Handbook; The Snark Handbook: Insult Edition; The Snark Handbook :Sex Edition; and the forthcoming Snark Handbook: Politics and Government Edition (really good at the whole naming thing, eh?). He honed his snark chops while working in publishing for more than 30 years. Like you really care.